Three Words That Will Improve Any Relationship
Help me understand.
My wife Gail often recounts how her Dad used these three simple words to turn potentially hard conversations into opportunities for deeper understanding. Terry was a pastor, which means he probably had numerous occasions where these words would have been pertinent.
Some potential misunderstanding would arise with a church member. One of his four kids would express frustration about the way a teacher was treating them. A colleague would say something that just didn’t sit right.
Terry taught Gail a different way to respond. Different, because our typical response is one of reaction. We get angry, become defensive, and worse yet, go on the attack. We feel as though we have been insulted, belittled, questioned, or perhaps disrespected.
Instead of slowing down to make sure we are responding appropriately, we react quickly. Our speedy reaction usually escalates the situation and deteriorates the relationship. Friends become irritants. Co-workers evolve into enemies. Members of our congregations start to be perceived as critics.
But Terry taught Gail that by pausing to simply ask these simple words, “Help me understand,” that these frequent opportunities for misunderstanding could be flipped into a chance to actually improve the relationship.
Let me offer a few brief ways to incorporate these three simple words into your relationships.
Slow down.
I am talking about situations where you might not understand the intent of someone’s comment or behavior. Slow down. Pause before you react. Swift responses are rarely wise. Train yourself to be a person who responds gently.
Proverbs 15:1-2 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.”
You desire to be a wise person, not a fool, so learn to slow down and gently respond.
Be humble.
You don’t know everything. Each of us has plenty of room to grow. By responding in a situation by asking, “Help me understand,” you show that you are open to grow.
Help me understand why you believe differently than I do.
Help me understand why you support that political party.
Help me understand why you seemed so irritated with me today.
Help me understand why you disagree with my strategy.
You are a humble person because you are committed to being a growing person. Seek understanding. Perhaps you really are in the wrong in what you believe or in the way you are behaving. Maybe God is using this confrontation with this person as an opportunity to help you grow.
Don’t always assume the worst of other people. A friend tells you the truth. Your real enemies might be the kiss-ups in your life. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Value the people in your life.
Do you want to be a person who just wants to be right all the time? We call those people “know-it-alls” and most of us find them annoying.
Do you want to be a person that requires everyone around you to walk on egg shells because of the ways you quickly react? Become this person and you will find people strategize to avoid you.
Or, do you desire to be that one special person in someone else’s life who is their go-to when they need someone to listen? That loved one wants to have a good conversation, an engaging, iron-sharpens-iron back and forth that helps them grow. Will they turn to you?
Are you that person your spouse turns to because they know an empathic, listening ear is ready to listen?
Do you want your colleagues to respect your ideas and solicit your input on important matters? When they approach you with a matter of concern or an innovation, do you have a “Help me understand” kind of posture or are you quickly dismissive that the idea won’t work?
Do you want your kids to talk with you about the important things in their life? Big stuff like relationships, fears, dreams, troubled friendships? Become that empathetic, listening parent by incorporating those three simple words into your conversations.
The very fact that you clicked on an article about improving relationships tells me that you are either hungry to grow or you need help with a battled relationship.
“Help me understand” is the kind of slow, gentle, loving language that has the power to take your relationships from where they are today to something far more rewarding and fulfilling tomorrow. Pausing to ask these three words will cost you a little bit of time but the reward of improved relationships will be worth it.
